Recap: This is me trying to come up with a better way to talk to young women than we currently are. Right now, parents tell them “don’t have sex with boys” then schools point them to Planned Parenthood & wish them the best of luck. I said before that I’ve been asked lots of times to work with at-risk young women who want the affection from the boys but don’t know how to get it, I always declined as “too busy”. But the truth is that I don’t think talking at them is going to help. I think a PLAN is going to help. So, I have been revisiting my own youth to try & extract the recipe for brewing healthy relationships with boys. How I dealt with pressure is intriguing, apparently. But to me, it was just my nature.
Edit: Somewhere in the middle of writing this, I decided I was full of crap & reached out to my high school (male) friends & asked them what they thought was my saving grace. After a couple days of this type of ‘research’, I deleted a bunch of what I thought was so great about myself, because I may have been (this is alleged) getting carried away, and I replaced it with some of their perception of what made me unique and the one girl whose presence was requested without the expectation of sexual pleasure. #5 comes courtesy of Eddie, it apparently was a big deal, so I added it, but I feel compelled to disclose the price I paid for that, which he witnessed. I paid dearly for that aspect of myself. It’s all right here, waiting to be pruned to an acceptable length & turned into a plan that at risk young women can fall back on. Maybe. I don’t know, I was a piece of work. It is possible that no one would ever choose my path 🙂 But I will tell you what, I was not the leftover chicken leg.
Still Rock n Roll To Me
So what’s a girl to do when she wants to be with boys but isn’t ready to be the kind of fun they want? How does she avoid the “put out or get out” trap? Well, my behavior wasn’t always the best either but I fared better, overall & long term, than those who bent to the pressure. Don’t ask me how I measure that, I don’t really know. I only know that where many of them are today isn’t where I was looking to go & it isn’t where they were looking to go either.
1. I redefined fun in my early teens before everybody had cars. I didn’t consciously do that, but that’s what it came down to. Having sex with every boy I wanted to hang out with would have been exhausting. I arrived on scene knowing that we had to do something else. Example: I would agree to play video games if they agreed to paint my toes after. It’s true, I would barter. If they fussed, “well we could just stare at each other if you don’t want to paint my toes.”
2. I was playful. I sparred with the guys to keep them entertained because boys need to be entertained. They taught me wrestling moves, I threw them playfully with my mad aikido skillz as I learned them & I didn’t care that they enjoyed touching my body. I was touchable. To me they were just body parts, to the boys they were so much more. I did not view their admiration of my breasts any different than my admiration of their… parts. Sometimes they got little too touchy feely & things almost got outta hand, & I’d toss them aside or hit them playfully & tell them to grow up. But we were still friends. I didn’t feel violated after my butt was slapped or whatever.
3. Laughter. I made fun of myself & everybody else. Girls can take themselves too seriously. That’s why I eventually didn’t get along with them. I knew about all their dirty work & had no problem exploiting them when I was mad. Which came to be often, as you see in 5.
4. Make a miserable task less so. I was reading a book at Danny’s as he cleaned the garage for his mom, & read him all the funny parts while other girls were getting nails done & reading magazines about how to please boys in beds (or tents). It made his task less boring. He could call me & I’d be there.
I better add here that as I approached 15, certain types of girls hated me. My playful disposition was not without consequence. They really wanted to kick my ass sometimes. I got to hang out with all the boys & monkey around & never had to be the girl they were trash talking (because I wasn’t doing the trashy things, duh).
5. This one is ugly but I guess important. I am still arrogant about it. So, I always had a plan to keep myself busy when in group settings or parties. I was happy to entertain myself by perfecting a skill. Sometimes I took my skateboard to the bonfire. One night I rode circles around the pit & ripped a couple layers off my arm doing a trick that failed in a youtube worthy way (so glad we didn’t have cell phones). That night, the tramps shamed me & accused me of wanting attention as I screamed while we cleaned my injury with vodka & wrapped it with somebody’s shirt. There was a huge brawl right after I said something about not all of us peel off layers just to get attention. It is said that Todd pulled 5 girls off of me while I beat the crap out of the one who pissed me off, but I think that was an exaggeration because I wasn’t hurt. At least a couple of them had to be trying to prevent the brawl. I hardly noticed they were ripping at my clothes while I set her hair on fire with an ember. I stood up like Cinderella, all torn to shreds & filthy. I observed that some of the boys were cleaning up those girls (who were crying, because violence) & protecting them while I stood there with half a shirt. PRIORITIES GUYS! I had decided I was gonna spend the evening kicking all their asses but the horny boys were protecting them. I threw my skateboard & my shirt at one guy & left, in my bra & shorts. I ran through an orchard & a cemetery before I heard the engines revving in my direction, ended up tripping on a tombstone & getting creeped out which led to my “capture”. I was carried like a corpse back to the car & taken back to the scene where I used a water hose to wash the dirt off & then squirted everybody with it. The rest of the evening I spent bitching about them protecting their harlots & did things like pull the girls chairs out from under them & make them spill their drinks on themselves. I even convinced one of the girls to dance & strip because I was done riding my board & we needed entertainment. And I really did set the girls hair on fire. I laughed at her every half hour or so & told her she looked like beetlejuice. She did. She wasn’t pretty that week. So, I paid dearly for choosing my own activities rather than joining in others. Not being a tramp will make enemies of the tramps. Be prepared to own your decision & perhaps, unlike me, take the high road & not the brawl.
6. I never needed to cry on their shoulders, not even when I was injured, or got told off by a bunch of cranky girls. I never wanted to imply that I counted on them to make me feel better. Not their job, not their problem. This part is very important I think.
7. I didn’t get offended, fall apart or lecture them (much). I could take & tell a joke with the best of them. Dirty or inappropriate, I was just fine. I was just being me, with undone nails & no skills about pleasing boys in beds/tents. I stayed innocent until I made a calculated decision to not be (I won’t be telling that story anywhere on this website).
8. I didn’t fish for compliments. I was well aware that I was adorable, but I didn’t act like I was aware of it. It is GREAT to have healthy self esteem, but the norm in my day was for girls to either talk down about themselves to get the guy to say they were beautiful or they’d talk poorly about other girls to make themselves feel better which came off as conceit. Both irritate boys. It is like they HAD to know if the guy they were talking to thought they were the fairest of them all. Not me, I was not hung up on it & I didn’t even wear make up unless I was needing to be perfect for something. I think it was good to u undermine the declaration of attraction & was important for maintaining a healthy platonic friendship.
9. I did not subscribe to the notion that I was a tease just because I didn’t want to be a toy, I felt no guilt for being cuddly, flirtatious or half dressed. I cleaned up very nice but I was a royal pain in the ass too (case in point, 5). My snarky, teasy, dark & shady nature was what kept me ‘in the headlines’ when I was deliberately being bitchy or otherwise unpleasant. Not buying into it prevented me from feeling like I owed a guy a certain level of affection or anyone else an explanation.
10. I was honest. I said exactly what I meant & I meant exactly what I said. If I was mad, I said so, there was no “nothing I am fine”. I was easy to be honest with. I didn’t exchange information in order to gain faction with others. I was very good at explaining girls motives to the guys too. Just because I was not like them didn’t mean I didn’t understand them. I understood them & thought they were ridiculous.
Of course I crossed the line sometimes. The line was not ALWAYS clear. I recall a day when Jonny told me to put on a shirt & gave me one of his. I said, “you’re kidding right?” I had a shirt on but it was short. I argued that my belly was not my problem but his, and he agreed, it was his problem but I still had to put the shirt on. So, I did. And then offered him a great massage. He loved my massages & I loved touching his muscles. In hindsight that may have been cruel but it did put him to sleep & out of his misery. Made it through another day without destroying our friendship or his ego. And I was flattered.
There are bound to be awkward moments, especially when no one else is around, that’s the worst. And you don’t stand a chance at all if there’s no plan to find something else to do! Then the girl is just standing there flattered that the boy is finding her attractive & thinking she has to face the tough job of rejecting him or go away completely. The latter seemed more awkward to me. So, I found great ways to reject without wounding egos. At some point I had awkward moments with probably all of my close male friends. I sent mixed signals, not on purpose. They were great friends but they ARE STILL GUYS. If I had decided to hell with my ideal circumstances & said, “Lets do it” any one of them would be like, “ok”. Then the whole friendship screwed. Literally.
Feminists everywhere might hate me for this whole page. Whatever though. I am not a feminist and I am just fine with accepting that boys are driven by testosterone & I chose not to shame them for that. I understood it, and I arrived with a plan of distraction.
So here’s what I need to come back & think about before I go telling my story. I had a very strong personality. My way worked for ME. If a girl chooses my method, she’s probably gonna wanna spend some time in a dojo too. If I had not grown up in one, I would have been so miserable. I would have been too scared to hang out with the guys fearing that one of the girls who had a crush on them was gonna “get me”. I wasn’t scared & that made a difference. I knew that even if they did somehow kick my ass it wouldn’t hurt that bad. I would live to come at them the next day. The bonfire incident didn’t go away. I went very dark for a few days, and I wont be telling those stories anywhere.